I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
