Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
last night I used snow as a chaser
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
