Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
