I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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