Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
