Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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