Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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