News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I party with great urgency now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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