That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
