yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
