but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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