Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
