Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
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You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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