Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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