Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future