I wish I could teleport
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
