i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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