I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
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