I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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