I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Farmville is her only friend.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
