I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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