Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
