Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
