when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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