Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
