Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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