Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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