Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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