I met the friendliest cop last night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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