What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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