she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
