My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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