Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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