At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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