The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
