Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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