Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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