Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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