i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
