Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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