I hate your face
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
