I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
