P.S. I can't hear my feet
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
