I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
