god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
