My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
