Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
