i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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