someone threw a dead crab at me
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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