this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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