I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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