This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think I died a long time ago.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
