i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We need to rekindle our bromance
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
