He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
