I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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